Every morning I get up and allow myself 30 minutes to an hour with God, before work. On the weekends this could last for hours. I get up, feed my cat, pick him up and hold him like a baby and kiss his head. He used to hate this, but I think has learned that it is love not torture. I make my coffee, grab my journal and blanket, if I need it, and I sit on my balcony. Being outside I feel like there is a more direct connection with my Creator. Making this part of my daily routine I believe is key to my changing self perception.
This is a time when I thank God for all He’s given me, big and small things. I ask Him to walk me through each day and to just do His will. This is important because I lived my life until 4 years ago on self-will run riot. Everything was about me, what do I need to do for you to like me? What will it take to make this pain inside stop? There was never enough of anything to stop the pain and fear from running my life.
The only place I felt like I knew what I was doing was at work. My knowledge and skills are strong, but there was that voice in my head telling me that I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough…enough. I had to finally say “ENOUGH!” I can’t live this way anymore. I said “Enough!” 7/18/2010, after losing my mother a year earlier and the pain was so great I had to turn my life over to someone other than myself. I was terrified and didn’t know how to do this, but I found people who had been where I was and they are living a life I want to live. I just did what they did and my life got better.
1. I started developing my relationship with God. I took a few years before I started spending this much time with Him. Just talking to Him in the beginning was a huge step for me.
2. I had to stop judging myself and others. I have these great expectations of myself. Completely unattainable. If I hold myself to them I hold you to them too. I had to stop and when I did, for the most part I stopped, it is human nature. I found that I was more relaxed, had more energy and without judgement there is room for love. My self love ebbs and flows. It flows more freely now than ever.
3. Forgiveness is so hard sometimes and seems unjust in some cases, but it is the magical thing that will set you free. Forgiveness is what opened my heart back up after being locked down since age 6. I had to forgive a man that abused me when I was 6 years old. I spent 40 years angry and fearful. I was really pissed off when I found out the key to getting out of that hole was to forgive him. I took time and prayers to get to where I could forgive him. I had to see he is a sick man and has to answer for his actions to a higher power then me. In October 2011, I sat across from him and made amends for my retaliations on him and in my heart I forgave him. The miracle of forgiveness is I am no longer angry or fearful. My soul is lighter and I have greater capacity to love myself and others.
4. I look at myself in the mirror and find something that I love about myself. Each time I do that I build trust with myself. I have spent my life saying mean and horrible things to myself. Things I would never say to anyone. I have to forgive myself for those harms done and make amends by not continuing to do those things This image below symbolizes hope to me. I have come a very long way, but it is an ongoing journey that I have chosen to share with you.
5. I have to be the kind of person I want to attract into my life. So that is my present journey and not settling for anything less than true love and happiness. A warm body just won’t do anymore!
I love all of you and I love myself!! I will see you soon! Thank you for stopping by.