When the Noise Stops.

Have you ever noticed that there are times when, through all the noise that the world throws at us, a message stands out?  It resonates with your soul and gains your attention. Once you notice it, it repeats until you do something about it.  For me, these are things the universe is presenting to me as an opportunity to learn and grow. This knowledge has been gained by looking at my life and in hindsight, I can see this path very clearly.  There is an intentional sequence to my lessons.  Each one building and preparing me for the next.  Each lesson is harder and goes deeper than the one before.

I spent my life up until 2010 at top speed, living in a fight or flight mode. If I ran fast enough all the feelings would never catch up to me, but that doesn’t work.  As we all have heard the phrase, “No matter where you go there you are.”  Up until this point I had lived in the delusion of being in control.  In 2009 I lost my mother, that was the straw that broke the camels back.


I got the message loud and clear to STOP!!  Stop running! Stop hiding! Stop NUMBING!  JUST STOP!  It took a full year to be able to STOP.  It was through divine intervention that this happened and my life stopped and turned on a dime.  I was surrounded by people who understood immediately and loved me until I could love myself.  I was so far out of my comfort zone that all I could do was let go and ride it out.  Through this process I had to completely examine my life, the good and the bad.  “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates was right.  This process changed my perspective on life and various events in my life.  Perspective is key to whether or not I have a good day or bad day.  I get to decide.  Connecting the Dots is a perfect example of this.

In 2011 was the year of FORGIVENESS.  Forgiving the little things, mistakes, things said in the heat of the moment are easier than others. Asking for forgiveness is even harder.  There is a level of humility I had to gain, but once I started taking the action the relief was palpable.  I had no idea the weight I was carrying with the fear and shame. Then when it comes to forgiving someone who IS WRONG and HAS HARMED YOU or someone you love, the resentment and righteousness are tough to put down.  The event that harmed me was life changing and for the average person is unforgivable.  This was quite the struggle because my resentment had manifested in PURE RAGE.  Inside I knew that if I couldn’t let this go my life would never get any better than it was right then.  I WANT MORE!  I WANT TO FEEL PEACE!  I WANT TO BE HAPPY!  I had to make my peace with him, I had to make amends for my actions towards him after the event and in my heart I had to forgive him.  It took more divine intervention to get to the place where I was sitting across the table from this person and asked him to forgive me for my actions.  He did.  In sitting across from him my perception of him changed.  Seeing him where he has lived his life on the streets, in half way houses, drunk, losing his sight and day-to-day not knowing what might come hcropped-1510909_10152359989386030_7638752685126468128_n.jpgis way, my anger turned to sadness.  Life has a way of balancing the scales.  A friend told me, “forgiveness does not mean that they were right, or what they did was ok, it just frees you of the burden of carrying the resentment.  It helps you to move on and live free of the toxic feelings that resentment brings.”   When I got up from that table and wished him well I felt PEACE!  I WAS FREE!  I never dreamed that any of this was ever possible.  It is one of the greatest days of my life!

I had over a year of PEACE from 2012 and into 2013.  I am not saying that I didn’t have struggles, but I was able to face them with a level of grace I never had before. I was spending time with God and enjoying each day.  5 Ways I Get Closer to God is a blog post wrote during this time.  My mornings consist of

coffee with God as my meditation practice.    aa6c4-file3931347376227

Now 2013 was one of those years when I realized that everything before was preparing me to deal with what was happening.  The message FEEL.  FEEL EVERYTHING! Ugh, seriously?!  It has been so nice for so long.  At this point I had been divorced for 12 years, and my ex-husband had managed to continue the emotional abuse via stalking me electronically.  I never really felt safe or completely at rest, part of me was just waiting for the next thing.  In September of 2013 I was contacted by my step-son, who told me that my ex has lung cancer and only has a few weeks to live.  He died that night.  I found out most of the information from Facebook.  I have never felt so many feelings all at once..relief, guilt, anger, fear, shame, peace, guilt….all cycled over and over.  FEELINGS!  TOO MANY FEELINGS!!  This triggered my PTSD.  After talking to a very dear friend who was going through the same thing at that time, I went into EMDR treatment, which helped me process everything and I was back to a peaceful place within the month.

2014 was all about me. Once I had faced all these external demons I only had one demon left and it is one of the toughest…ME!!!  SELF-FORGIVENESS and SELF-LOVE. This is a current and ongoing battle to change my brain.  I need to break old habits and treat myself like I treat my friends, and even people I don’t know.  I have undergone intense therapy where it was reflected back to me how mean I am to myself.  My greatest lessons have come from being around groups of people in the same situation.  I have always seen it, but now I actually don’t completely believe the things I tell myself.  I am making progress, slowly but surely I will get there.  “The Power of Vulnerability” by Brene’ Brown has really helped me find my way out of a place of shame and into a place of love.  I am still a work in progress.

I am enough!!
I am enough!!

Today the word that jumps out at me is JOY.  Brene’ talks about how joy is one of the most difficult things to feel.  What she describes is so me.  When I feel JOY I feel so vulnerable and I am so afraid that something bad is going to happen that I just shut down that feeling.  PEACE is one thing  JOY…real JOY AND BLISS?!  I am not sure I even know how to feel it.  I see it in others…kids playing, couples in love, friends…

…You know I just realized when I am in a group of people where I feel safe I do experience JOY.  It almost always happens when I hang out with my friend Dianne and our group of friends.  Also, My friends Amy and Shy and our group of friends.  I feel 100% safe around them.  There’s HOPE!!!

How do I create a life where I can allow myself to be Joyful everyday?!  In 3 months I will find out exactly how to do that when I go on Matthew Hussey Retreat in Florida.  This week will wrap all this hard work up into a road map to living my life the way I want to live it!  I am so excited I can’t even wait.

Tell me do you see your lessons or path through the noise?  Have you found your path to PEACE, LOVE and JOY?!



Connecting the dots: A story about finding the good in a difficult situation.

How a simple trip to Las Vegas turned into a way to see the how my perspective has shifted in my life.  I have to say that I did not go through this process with grace and calm until I had a good night’s sleep and a shower.

I had this trip for a work conference booked 2 months in advance, or so I thought.  The conference was booked, the room was reserved and I was prepared to learn as much as possible.  I woke the morning of the trip opened the app to check –in to my flight and I had no reservation.  What?! Where’s my reservation?   I searched a million different ways and nothing!

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I called American Airlines and they said there was a reservation, but it was never completed, so it was cancelled.  I stopped packing and went to work and got on my electronic access to schedule travel and remembered that in December my work credit card number had been stolen and they issued me a new card.  Ah, that’s why, the old card information failed and the trip cancelled.  Why didn’t I get some kind of an email or notice about this? No, time for that now, I thought.

I rebooked my flight for the same day and the return flight was an hour later than originally planned (dot) and the price only went up by $111.  I had to explain what happened to my boss and the controller and they basically teased me about being so worried about $111.  So I breathed a sigh of relief and continued on with my day.  The trip there and checking in was fairly uneventful.  The conference itself was GREAT!  I learned a lot.  I made some great connections.

Now when it came to the hotel stay the first morning I was awakened at 6 am by on-site construction right outside my window.  I was annoyed, but let it slide.  The next Morning was the same thing and I actually said out loud, At least they aren’t doing this overnight.   I know better than to say stuff like that out loud.  The last night, the night after I said that, they started construction at 5 pm and went until after midnight. (Jack hammers and all)  Now by this time I had reviewed my bill on line,  and other “accountant due diligence” and determined that they had down-graded my whole group so that rather than getting a saving on the room of $50 a night we were paying an extra $40 per night than what the rooms we actually got would have cost.  Then on top of this they were charging a $28 a day “Room Revenue”, which ended up being a “resort fee for access to venues, Wi-Fi, pools etc. ”  Never mind that they advertised free Wi-Fi, but the pool was empty and I had construction outside my window.  They charged me for mini bar charges that I didn’t use. (They hadn’t checked the mini bar before I checked in).  My financial dander was up and I marched down to the front desk and addressed the financial issues.  The night time construction hadn’t happened yet.  I had the mini bar charges removed, they explained this mysterious “Room Revenue” and I found out that I would have to discuss the room rate issue with the convention coordinator; they couldn’t change that for me.

I had to call my boss to explain the extra $28 per day so my expense report wouldn’t have to go to the CEO for approval.

I did mention to the conference coordinator how this hotel had handled their conference attendees and they were very interested to know what happened.

The last night was when the night time construction started, I called to the front desk to complain and they offered to put me in a suite clear on the other side of the hotel for the last night, turns out that is where we were supposed to be to start with.  I asked when they were going to stop and explained that I didn’t not want to change rooms at this point.  He called back and said it would be around mid-night, what he failed to add was that they were starting up again at 6 am.  He asked what he could do and I said remove the resort fees and get me ear plugs.


I know. I know…I let them off easy.  I should have asked for a full credit of my stay, since they were breaking the noise ordinance in the city of Las Vegas, I found that out later.

So my cost was now back down to what was budgeted, the conference was almost over and we had an extra- long lunch.  So I went to the gift shop and purchased a keychain (dot), and I went and pulled out $60 to play craps with until the afternoon sessions began.  I laid out $40 of my $60 and was at the table for 45 minutes and had a great roll and walked away with $212 at the end of it.  I won $172.00. (dot)

I had a fairly uneventful flight home, until I got to baggage claim and started looking for my keys.  My co-workers had already gone their respective ways and there I was sitting at the airport at 10:30 pm slipping into a panic.

The airport is warm and I run hot anyway so I am sitting there sweating, unpacking and repacking my backpack and suitcase over and over hoping they had just tucked themselves away.  I knew I had put them in a tiny extra pocket on my suitcase and they were gone.  So the stress is now making me feel sick and its 11 pm.  I called my friend who was checking on my cat, who has my home keys, but no answer.  I called my faithful back-ups, Shy and Amy, who I woke out of a dead sleep.  They came and got me and set me up in their extra room.  They would be busy until about 11 am the next day, but could take me to the airport to get my car.

After a good night’s sleep and a shower, I called the hotel to see if they found any keys.  No they haven’t.  I don’t have triple A because, ah ha, I have roadside service through my insurance.  I called the Honda dealership to ask about having keys made, and found out that without any keys they need the car to make the keys with the correct chip in it.  Ok, called the insurance company and they hooked me up with an app where I can get the tow truck to come and find me using the signal for the app.   This sounds simple, get a tow truck to tow me to the nearest Honda dealership, get keys made and get my house keys and go home…easy peasy.  Except, thParking Spotere is an issue with the clearance and turns in the airport terminal parking.  After Progressive changing the towing company and our guy showing up, it took 2 hours of just maneuvering to get my car out.  One and a half hours waiting on the truck.  That driver worked so hard and was able to get me out of that garage I tipped him $100.00 (dot) p12744710_10207909305404942_1328322907772387519_nart of my winnings.  He was a sweet guy with a sweet little boy.  I got to the dealership around 4 pm and service closes at 5 pm.  I walk in and this new sweet guy helped me with the key situation.  He said he will try and get me in, but he wasn’t sure he could.  I shared a little of my experience and he promised he would get me in.  Then he pulled up the vin on my car and saw that there were 3 recalls on my car, and he said: I’m going to put you in a loaner, you have 3 recalls on your car and you could die.  Did you hear me DIE!   (dot) So they put me in a loaner, free of charge and I was able to stop and get my keys and gate access and get home by 6 pm.

So here are the stories behind the dots that I can see at this point.

  • The change in flights put me on a different return flight, it turns out my original return flight had mechanical difficulties and was delayed until after the flight I ended up on. WIN!!
  • If it weren’t for the construction I would have paid and extra $84 for my stay which was credited.
  • If I hadn’t gambled then I wouldn’t have won the extra cash I needed to tip the tow truck driver. The rest almost covers the new car keys I am having made, for the key chain I purchased, not knowing I would need it.
  • If I hadn’t needed to get new keys, I might not have taken care of the recalls on my car until it was too late. I am thinking God maybe preparing me for something that I am supposed to live through.  I don’t know, but it is interesting how things work out.

Lessons learned:

  1. Take Supershuttle to the airport.
  2. Give a friend extra keys to not only my home, but also my car.
  3. Being nice and having a positive attitude can get you through any situation in a less painful way. The tow truck driver and the service agent at the dealership could have left me high and dry if I was being difficult.
  4. Have faith that this could all be happening for reasons you are unaware of and may never know why.
  5. Be kind to everyone, you never know what they are going through. Thank you to the woman at the airport who asked if I was okay  and if someone was coming to get me.  It did help me get through that evening knowing a stranger would have helped me.

Out Of The Dark Into The Light

These past few months I have been on a journey where I lost sight of my path.  The light guiding me seemed to fade away and disappear. It is only in hind-sight that I know what happened.  Just like any habit it starts a little at a time, habits go away the say way. In my life my relationship with God is personal and He is my best friend.  I have spent years spending time with Him every morning.  Life got comfortable and I stopped taking that time regularly, and I started isolating.  Those two things alone are very dangerous for me.  On top of that, I started a holistic life style change.  I believe that in many ways this is a good thing, but I tend to forget that I have imbalances in my system that require medication.  I stopped all this medication and slid quickly into a dark place.  Nothing in my life had changed from when I was happy and content, but I no longer saw a future.  I was consumed with fear, sadness and a pain that I cannot describe.  If you have been there, you know what I am talking about.


In the middle of this I wanted to die, it just seemed easier and even one day seemed too long.  I made a plan and sat in this place for a couple of days.  I reached for the phone and texted a friend that I needed help.  My cry for help was heard and she drove for an hour to me, ensured I was going to be safe and get the help I needed.  During this process I gained a level of gratitude that I have never known.  I saw people who live this way daily, who don’t have homes or caught in the grips of addiction.  I just needed to be reminded that I have medical needs that cannot be dismissed.

I have a host of friends who will be there for me at the drop of a hat. I have a great job with bosses that are caring and understanding.  I have the sweetest cat in the world who did everything he could to make me feel better.  I have a great life, which I get to keep as long as I take care of myself.

Taking care of myself requires my relationship with God, helping others, and NOT PLAYING DOCTOR!

I am back in the light and grateful for every little thing. God has blessed me with a love that is beyond anything I could ever imagine.  Today I am willing to watch and see what He wants to give me rather than try and take the reins and control things. Thank you God for saving my life again and giving me this gift of love!

Holistic Life

I find it interesting that Holistic Medicine is considered “Alternative Medicine”, when in fact holistic medicine is where we started and what is natural.  Rather than treating the symptoms or numbing the pain and sending you away, they want to know what the actual cause is.  Let’s get to the root of the problem.

I do this everyday in my work life as an accountant.  I hate cleaning up messes and would rather find the cause of the issue and educate to prevent it from happening again, than just make the correction and move on.  Over the past year I have been thinking about why I don’t do that when it comes to my health?

God has guided me down a path over the past 6 months which has led me to an entire team of doctors with a holistic approach to medicine and treating disease and ailments.  Our bodies are amazing and miraculous works of art.  When DSCN9192 (1)everything is in alignment and the brain and the organs can communicate your body will heal itself.  Had I found Dr Wall in 2012 I might have avoided a major surgery, but it is what it is.   I now have a nutritionist, a Holistic DO and a Holistic Chiropractor all who are treating the root causes and relieving me of all the medications all my previous doctors have put me on and have had me on for years.  I feel better physically today than I have since I was young.

I am so grateful for the path I am on today and the people who are in my life and who are coming into my life.  I am looking forward to 50 more years of health, vitality and true deep happiness.

Who wants to join me on this path?  It is broad and there is room for everyone!!

Leap of Faith

10376834_10152606755112176_3060665850839391739_nThis post is a bit of a surprise to me.  I figured it would take longer for me to be able to bring my guard down and attempt to even potentially let a man into my life.  I only share my experience in this blog and things which influence me to make changes in my life.  In order to love you must take risks.  I have been practicing letting women into my life and nurturing these friendships, which are positive and fulfilling.  I now have an amazing network of women whom I trust and enjoy having in my life.  For a woman like me, that is amazing growth.  I was raised in a household of men and find it easier to relate to men in some ways.

My relationships with men, however, have been a double-edged sword.  I have had to learn that not all men are the same.  I have had more than my share of bad experiences with men.  I have not listened to my gut and ended up in situations where I have been physically and/or emotionally hurt.  For many years my solution was to not connect with men, except at work in a professional relationship.  When I did attempt to start a relationship I chose men who were similar to the men of my past, because those feelings were familiar.    If you treated me in a negative way, I knew that feeling and gravitated toward men that treated me that way.

Well, I have been doing some very intense work on healing that part of me.  Talking to that little girl inside who only knows pain, and nurturing her so that we can try to trust again.  Working to gain a comfort with stepping into the unfamiliar space of, when we are treated well, it is good and it may be unfamiliar and scary, but it is GOOD.  I sat a few weeks ago and had a talk with God about what it is that he wants for me.  I have a close relationship with God today, one that is more of a friendship.  We talk everyday, I spend time every morning listening for guidance.  At the same time I was working on knowing what I really want for myself and what my nonnegotiable’s are and am I really willing to step off that ledge and trust God to deliver.

I am not going to list off all things on my list, but I will say there is nothing on the list of the things I want in a man that I don’t already have in myself. I am pretty open, but someone who shares similar interests and beliefs is important.  Acceptance is important.  Everything else is between Me and God.


The great news here is for the first time, maybe ever, I have stepped off that ledge and I am trusting God.  What is completely amazing is that he is showing me greater things than I could have ever hoped for myself.  I willing and able to step forward without knowing what is coming next, and that is OK with me today.

Have you taken the leap?