Moving Forward or Sliding Back?

Today this phrase has been repeating in my head, if you are not moving forward you are sliding backward. There is no such thing as being “idle”.  We are either growing or deteriorating, maybe that’s a strong word, but it is true.  I am not saying we have to be at a full run all the time, but if there is no effort towards growth then old habits and behaviors creep back into our lives.  What I focus on gets stronger.  If I focus on the negative that grows and gains power over me.  If I focus on positive things and improving that grows and changes me.

I got comfortable after I moved to Fort Worth.  I have a great job, a 5 mile commute, a very nice apartment with quiet neighbors.  I love being at home and feeling at peace.  Well there is a very short distance between relaxing & being peaceful and hiding out & being lazy.   While at work I was growing and gaining respect, and my spirit was finally calming from its frantic pace, my health and physical condition was deteriorating.  Sometimes I feel like there are three sides to me, characterized by me at these various ages:

Super Hero

There is the confident, business woman who feels like a super hero. I can do anything I set my mind to and feel absolutely competent.  As my boss and I say, we are “Ridiculously Awesome!”

Brenda the Brave






Then there is creative, silly, funny and flirty Brenda, who has survived what life has thrown at her and still smiles.  She is a strong woman who is compassionate and loving with a bright spirit.  She is adventurous and loves to try new things and is always ready to grow and improve. This is Brenda the Brave.


Viking Brenda

Finally there is the little girl who is terrified, but goes along with change, only after she is done fighting it.  She is very self-critical, and remembers every time she has been hurt.  She is always comparing herself to others.  It is amazing how much self-loathing can come from such a cute little girl.  Viking Brenda (I couldn’t find a picture of me with my arms crossed)

Trying to keep these three sides all moving forward is like trying to stop the tide from rolling in and out.  I feel like Super Hero and Brenda the Brave is the main part of the ocean ebbing and flowing and then there’s Viking Brenda running up the shore and then relaxing back.  (attack and retreat)  Honestly, I have improved over the past 5 years, but Viking Brenda is sneaky.

The question is how do you calm a raging child, so she doesn’t drag you back into the hole you just crawled out of?  I have struggled with taking these actions, but in 2014 I learned a technique of “Self Therapy”, which was highly effective for treating trauma (PTSD).  Basically, when my feelings would rage in some way I had to sit with myself and figure out “who” it was coming from, it was usually Viking Brenda freaking out.  It was always fear based.  I would spend time talking to my little Viking and let her know that I am not in danger and Brenda the Brave can handle the situation.  I would talk to her with love, kindness and compassion.  Now, what I needed to do on-going which I have slacked off on is spending time talking to her with love and compassion through meditation every day.  I feel kind of silly, but that is how the negative tape in my head gets changed.

So my efforts in this area ebb and flow, but I decided, in October, that I was going to jump in with both feet and go on a retreat and concentrate on what I want out of life and create a map of how to get there.  It’s okay to ask for help!  So in May I will be attending the Matthew Hussey Retreat in Florida.

I am so excited and I know that it is going to help me pull all the areas of my life together and get us heading in the same direction.  My “Core Confidence” is the key to this phase of my transformation.

Until then I am practicing things I have learned through other resources and taking these gradual steps to keep from sliding backward.

Action, Action, Action!   Thrive  by Arianna Huffington is a great book for the “A” personalities out there.

Resources to this post:
Get the Guy. By Matthew Hussey
Power of Vulnerability by Brene’ Brown
The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron
Thrive by Arianna Huffington

Self Therapy by Jay Easley



Welcome to 2016!!

Hi friends,

I spent the last two weeks of 2015 making peace with all the events, good and bad, from last year. Every year has growth and lessons for everyone, if we choose to see them.  Some years speak louder than others, 2015 was deafening for me.  I said “Okay! Okay! I give! UNCLE!!”  I tend to be stubborn so my lessons can be very painful.  Pain has been my teacher my entire life.  I made some decisions during the end of 2015 and one was to try and learn in a more graceful manner.  I have decided I am tired of the internal battles I wage on myself.  I started 2015 having just faced my eating disorders and their root causes for 6 weeks.  I picked up my tools and continued that journey on my own, only to realize that today I no longer use food as a weapon.  It has taken a couple wrong turns and hitting a couple brick walls to get here.

I wrote a post about the holistic life in the midst of this journey and just as with everything else in my life anything is good in moderation.  I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis a year ago.  This is an autoimmune disease where your body is attacking your thyroid.  Just as I let go of my eating disorders I find the solution to this disease is eliminating most of the foods that I had just been taught to start eating and using to nurture my body.  I’ll tell you on the outside I was frustrated and felt lost, but on the inside I was PISSED OFF!!  Seriously?!  I tried the initial plan of gluten free and dairy free, and my results came back off the charts worse.  The solution eliminate everything except green veggies, chicken and fish.  At the same time my holistic doctor did not like the mood stabilizers I was on and suggested I go off them.  I did.  (I learned I am responsible for the medical care I receive.)  I threw my hands in the air and quit caring what I ate and slid very quickly into such a severe depression that I had to be hospitalized.  My post “Out of the Dark and into the light” is about this journey.  There are biological things that I require medication for in order to live.  I know that now and I will not question it.

I tried dating again and figured out quickly that I should have waited to finish recovering before dating.  I rode a roller coasted that ended with the phrase:  “You are telling me that I am looking for a problem that isn’t there, when your ex-wife tells me you are in fact living with a woman who is pregnant with your twin girls?!  You are a piece of work!! Enjoy your Karma!!”  This guy always has 3 girls going at once and has been married and divorced twice is 55 with twin babies on the way.  I would have to say Karma always does a better than anything I can think of on my own.

This was my turning point tho, I decided that I needed to jump in and let go of the fear and bitterness that is attracting this kind of guy and find a path to love and happiness that I have never considered.  I decided no resolutions for 2016, I choose to make 2016 a great year!!  I am taking the journey inward now that the obstacles have been removed and fall in love with myself.  NO EXCUSES!!  I applied for the Matthew Hussey Retreat in May 2016 and was accepted!!  I am doing my prep work before the retreat to get the most out of this week long concentrated work on creating the life you love!!  This year I am going to jump the obstacles and live the life I want!  I am taking new actions everyday that I hope will become habits over time.


BRING IT 2016 I’M READY!!!!!