This post is a bit of a surprise to me. I figured it would take longer for me to be able to bring my guard down and attempt to even potentially let a man into my life. I only share my experience in this blog and things which influence me to make changes in my life. In order to love you must take risks. I have been practicing letting women into my life and nurturing these friendships, which are positive and fulfilling. I now have an amazing network of women whom I trust and enjoy having in my life. For a woman like me, that is amazing growth. I was raised in a household of men and find it easier to relate to men in some ways.
My relationships with men, however, have been a double-edged sword. I have had to learn that not all men are the same. I have had more than my share of bad experiences with men. I have not listened to my gut and ended up in situations where I have been physically and/or emotionally hurt. For many years my solution was to not connect with men, except at work in a professional relationship. When I did attempt to start a relationship I chose men who were similar to the men of my past, because those feelings were familiar. If you treated me in a negative way, I knew that feeling and gravitated toward men that treated me that way.
Well, I have been doing some very intense work on healing that part of me. Talking to that little girl inside who only knows pain, and nurturing her so that we can try to trust again. Working to gain a comfort with stepping into the unfamiliar space of, when we are treated well, it is good and it may be unfamiliar and scary, but it is GOOD. I sat a few weeks ago and had a talk with God about what it is that he wants for me. I have a close relationship with God today, one that is more of a friendship. We talk everyday, I spend time every morning listening for guidance. At the same time I was working on knowing what I really want for myself and what my nonnegotiable’s are and am I really willing to step off that ledge and trust God to deliver.
I am not going to list off all things on my list, but I will say there is nothing on the list of the things I want in a man that I don’t already have in myself. I am pretty open, but someone who shares similar interests and beliefs is important. Acceptance is important. Everything else is between Me and God.
The great news here is for the first time, maybe ever, I have stepped off that ledge and I am trusting God. What is completely amazing is that he is showing me greater things than I could have ever hoped for myself. I willing and able to step forward without knowing what is coming next, and that is OK with me today.
Have you taken the leap?