Leap of Faith

This post is a bit of a surprise to me.  I figured it would take longer for me to be able to bring my guard down and attempt to even potentially let a man into my life.  I only share my experience in this blog and things which influence me to make changes in my life.  In order to love you must take risks.  I have been practicing letting women into my life and nurturing these friendships, which are positive and fulfilling.  I now have an amazing network of women whom I trust and enjoy having in my life.  For a woman like me, that is amazing growth.  I was raised in a household of men and find it easier to relate to men in some ways.

My relationships with men, however, have been a double-edged sword.  I have had to learn that not all men are the same.  I have had more than my share of bad experiences with men.  I have not listened to my gut and ended up in situations where I have been physically and/or emotionally hurt.  For many years my solution was to not connect with men, except at work in a professional relationship.  When I did attempt to start a relationship I chose men who were similar to the men of my past, because those feelings were familiar.    If you treated me in a negative way, I knew that feeling and gravitated toward men that treated me that way.

Well, I have been doing some very intense work on healing that part of me.  Talking to that little girl inside who only knows pain, and nurturing her so that we can try to trust again.  Working to gain a comfort with stepping into the unfamiliar space of, when we are treated well, it is good and it may be unfamiliar and scary, but it is GOOD.  I sat a few weeks ago and had a talk with God about what it is that he wants for me.  I have a close relationship with God today, one that is more of a friendship.  We talk everyday, I spend time every morning listening for guidance.  At the same time I was working on knowing what I really want for myself and what my nonnegotiable’s are and am I really willing to step off that ledge and trust God to deliver.

I am not going to list off all things on my list, but I will say there is nothing on the list of the things I want in a man that I don’t already have in myself. I am pretty open, but someone who shares similar interests and beliefs is important.  Acceptance is important.  Everything else is between Me and God.

The great news here is for the first time, maybe ever, I have stepped off that ledge and I am trusting God.  What is completely amazing is that he is showing me greater things than I could have ever hoped for myself.  I willing and able to step forward without knowing what is coming next, and that is OK with me today.

Have you taken the leap?

 

A Letter to My Younger Self

Sweet Young Girl,

The road you are traveling is a rough one, filled with potholes, treacherous terrain, mean and selfish people.  You have done nothing to deserve the bad things that have happened.  You are not being punished, but you are learning.  You are learning a very dangerous way to treat yourself.  You are learning to speak to yourself harshly, set unrealistic expectations for yourself and for those you love.  On the surface you think you are making yourself better, tougher and surviving on your own terms.  My sweet girl, you are making for a tough lonely life.

I know that you feel so much love, that is not returned.  You feel so much pain that feels unbearable.  If only there were something you could buy, or someone who could fill that space all of the fear, anxiety and pain would go away.   I know you don’t see what you are doing.  I know you think if you are perfect everything will be perfect.  If you are funny enough, thin enough, smart enough, perfect enough all the past will go away and you will only be happy.

I can’t say it will be easy, but you will make it through all of the pain, fear and harm that has come to you. YOU ARE STRONG!  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!  YOU ARE SMART!  YOU DON’T NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO BE THOSE THINGS…YOU ARE AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN ALL OF THOSE THINGS!

When you feel like it is all too much, read this letter.  Know that there are amazing people coming into your life who will love you until you can love yourself.  They will love you exactly the way you are.  Remember the best thing you can do is ask for help.  I know it’s hard, but it means you are strong, not weak.  It means you are courageous!  You can trust again.  There are people out there worthy of your love.

Most importantly, YOU ARE WORTHY OF YOUR LOVE!!  You are such an amazing woman and you can’t even see it.  You will see it.  I promise you!  It will start out being reflected to you by other people.  You have a light and a love that radiates from your soul.  You are smart, kind, beautiful, loving and when you accept all of those things about yourself, your life just becomes full, peaceful, and there aren’t any words for the amount of love you will have coming to you and from you.

You keep trudging the road of happy destiny and you will make some of the most amazing friends.  You are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  You will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.  You will comprehend the word serenity and know peace.  You will see how all of your experiences will benefit others.  That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.  Self seeking will slip away.  You whole attitude and outlook on life will change.  Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave you.  You will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle you.  You will suddenly realize that God is doing for you what you could not do for yourself. (AA the promises)

Know that the best part of your life is yet to come!  Trust your gut!  Hang in there!  I will see you soon.

All my love,

Future Brenda

10 Principles I Want to Live by in Recovery

1. Always demand respect from myself and others.
2. Daily self-care, including loving self-talk and enjoy nourishing my body throughout the day.      
3. Quiet meditation everyday is important to my soul’s sobriety.                                                               
4. Always create a safe environment where I work and live.
5. Advocate for myself when an unsafe situation arises.
6. Give back to the community through volunteer work.
7. Be creative and enjoy life TODAY.
8. Remember that the past is the past.  Today I am strong and capable of protecting and caring for myself.        
9. Love myself so that others can show me love too.
10. Being imperfect IS perfect!!

What is Love?

I like Brene’s definition of love in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.  It is not something we give and get, it is something that we nurture and grow.  A connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them.  We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and RARE.”

I am currently working on the the phrase in bold.  There  is a long list of things I love about myself and they are all the things that really matter.  The things I don’t come down to unrealistic expectations.  Also, my unyielding desire to be perfect, which I never have and never will attain. There is a critical voice inside, who I have named “Little Miss Perfect”, that I am working on quieting and softening her words and getting her comfortable with the fact that perfect isn’t possible, nor something I want to be.  There is beauty in imperfections and there is a tremendous amount of love that comes from accepting and owning our imperfections.

Today I know I am worthy of love, and this knowledge is on the 1,000 mile journey to my heart where knowledge becomes belief.

Who else out there is on this journey too?!  I know I am not alone.  Talk to me.